Almost all the stories you read here come from our Fuckup Nights events Fuckup Nights companies. They’re our favorites—the ones that offer lessons you could only learn by failing.

But this time we have a very special one from one of our readers.

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This is Fernanda’s story, who went through one of the darkest periods of her life: the postpartum period, guilt, self-sabotage, and an attempt at self-harm.

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Keep reading to find out more…

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I hit rock bottom with my baby in my arms

👤 Who.

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Fernanda Patiño is an international relations specialist by profession and a teacher by passion. She is passionate about books, learning new things, teaching, and public speaking. She is the mother of a one-year-old baby girl.

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She works as an instructor in international business and public speaking. She currently runs her own brand, Feresencia, through which she leads workshops and gives lectures. She participates in online volunteer initiatives focused on real education, rather than what she considers the typical, trendy empowerment found on social media.

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FuN: What is your personal definition of failure?

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Fernanda: For me, failure is giving up when things don't go well for a moment. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't fail because I lacked resources. I failed because I gave up on myself. Because I let go of everything when I felt I couldn't hold on anymore.‍

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FuN: What was your context before this anecdote?

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Fernanda: I was a top student in International Relations. I was saving up to go study in another city and apply for a cultural exchange program in Germany. My plan was to start a foundation for academic volunteer programs.

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I wanted to prove to myself that I could make a difference in the world. I wanted to feel fulfilled and be a successful woman—not just financially, but in every way. I wanted to prove to myself that my aspirations weren’t just pipe dreams.

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I was building myself up; my life's great project was myself.

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With just one semester left before graduation, I got pregnant. And I knew that everything would have to be put on hold.

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💣 The True F*up

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Fernanda: It all happened after I gave birth. As the days went by, I realized that I was avoiding thinking about my life plans and avoiding working on them.

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Motherhood was consuming me too much, but in reality, I was sabotaging myself by telling myself that I had to be 100% there for my daughter—and that was it. I threw my project notebooks in the trash, deleted the files from my computer, and cut myself off from everyone. 

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When the volunteer program in Germany called me, I blocked the chat and shut myself away, calling myself a fool all day long.

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I stopped thinking of new ideas, and if any did come to mind, I pushed them out of my head so they wouldn't come back. I didn't fail because something went wrong. I failed because I decided not to try.

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I decided to metaphorically burn what had been.

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FuN: What was your turning point?

Fernanda: One day I had to turn down a really big project because I didn't have anyone to watch my baby. When I said, “I'm sorry, I can't make it,” it broke my heart.

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I kept comparing myself to influencers with kids who said that becoming a mom was the best thing that had ever happened to them. I felt really guilty because I didn’t feel that connection with my daughter, and the more I tried to force it, the more I felt like I was breaking that bond.

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I started to struggle financially, and on more than one occasion I had to go out and beg for money with my daughter in my arms just to buy milk. I felt that my daughter deserved a better mother—one who actually wanted to be a mother and who didn’t feel guilty about wanting to live a life centered not only on motherhood but also on herself.

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All of this drove me to self-harm. It’s a decision I regret, and one that took a toll on both my physical and mental health. After that, I was in a zombie-like state for months—which, according to my psychologist, was the brain’s way of shielding me from even more severe trauma.

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FuN: How did you get out of that state of mind?

Fernanda: When I saw a photo from a lecture I gave in Bolivia, I realized just how far off track I’d gotten. That’s when it clicked: I understood that I wasn’t the same person anymore, that I’d picked up habits I didn’t have before. Even though I always managed to get things done while I was in agony, I was letting myself die while I was still alive.

I realized that as time went on, my daughter was growing up—and, in a way, so was I. So I began to rebuild myself little by little: I made plans, looked for activities, picked up old hobbies, started taking care of myself again, and reconnected with my work. Little by little, I began to reconcile myself with God and with life.

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Then opportunities came along that were a good fit for me. I started taking sewing and dressmaking classes. Then I felt the urge to write a book (which is still a work in progress), and later I had the chance to teach international business and work as a virtual assistant at a publishing house.

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I currently make a living as a public speaker, something I'm passionate about. I'm getting ready for two major presentations and my first business trip.

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I learned to look at my daughter with love instead of exhaustion, to manage my time, to calm down, and to truly feel alive. Now I can say that my life before my daughter was fine, but I don’t think it was better than the life I’m living now.

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FuN: What motivated you to share your story?

Fernanda: Now I know I needed to take a realistic approach to my life, to face the world head-on so I could awaken the person I’m becoming. Hitting rock bottom is scary, but it’s even scarier to live a life and wish it would go by quickly so everything would just be over.

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Looking back from the outside, I accomplished a lot during those dark times. I gave two lectures and went to the interview for my current job with my baby in my arms. I really cherish those moments of peace with her because that’s when clarity comes to me. I want my daughter to see me as someone who never gave up, not as someone who “sacrificed herself.”

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It wasn't until a month ago that I was able to open up to someone, let my guard down, and share everything I've been through. And that's what motivates me to tell my story here.

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Not just to reach women in the postpartum period. But also to reach those who need to know that there are people who are coming out of that so-called “rock bottom.” Let them know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that that light is within reach.

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💡 In conclusion...

Fernanda: “Look for opportunities even where you least expect them.”

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FUN: Foster environments where people can ask questions, explore, and identify opportunities in their day-to-day work. Looking beyond the ordinary is a skill that also helps people respond more effectively to change. 

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Fernanda: “Appreciate the little things.”

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FUN: Recognizing small victories greatly strengthens any organizational culture. Learn to value processes, effort, progress, and everyday achievements. This boosts engagement and helps align daily behaviors with the culture.

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Fernanda: “Listen to your thoughts and face the darkness. It’s the only way to free yourself from it.”

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FUN: Creating safe spaces to discuss mistakes, doubts, or tensions helps prevent crises and also builds trust. As a leader, learn to manage uncertainty with clarity.

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Fernanda: “Manage your time wisely and set boundaries.”

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FUN: Productivity has its limits. Learn to identify them, and use them as a basis for assigning tasks, setting expectations, and establishing realistic goals. Don’t forget to communicate these to the entire team so they can take them into account.

Connect with Fernanda!

Remember, our channels are open for questions, complaints, feedback or collaborations at: rich@fuckupnights.com.

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