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I failed, now what?: Managing post-failure emotions

Fear of failure is fear of that lump in the throat, of crying, of blushing, or of not finding the words to share it.

By:
Rich
October 4, 2022

If we've learned anything in our 10 years of listening to stories at Fuckup Nights, it's that failure is uncomfortable and universal. And that to a greater or lesser extent, it's scary.

However, the "fear of failure" narrative has become a catch-all for more abstract situations. In this case, when we say "fear of failure," we mean many things; we fear its consequences: getting fired, losing money, damaging our reputation, betraying our own and others' expectations, or failing to live up to our values.

Fear of failure is a fear of that lump in the throat, of holding back tears, of blushing or not finding the words to share bad news. Who wouldn't want making mistakes to be a quick and silent fact of getting on with our lives? It is a natural fear linked to guilt and shame

Little is under our control. But, interestingly, that "little" makes a big difference in the experience of failure. We can manage how we relate to failure and how we handle post-failure guilt and shame. And why not get ambitious and even try to control collective reactions to failure. But how?

Fear and shame


That unpleasantness we feel when we fail is a mixture of the visceral emotions of fear, guilt and shame. And although they feel similar, they are very different things.

Mahyar Mirghasemi - Unsplash

Fear is a powerful emotion, it prepares us for a danger that threatens our physical or mental safety. It prepares us to flee (or not) from real or imaginary situations (as imaginary as those catastrophic mental scenarios that arise when we fail).

This fear serves as the raw material for guilt and shame. Two concepts that we tend to confuse and use incorrectly.

When we talk about shame, we are talking about a social emotion derived from situations that we might consider socially immoral or reprehensible. Around the age of two, we begin to perceive ourselves as beings independent of our parents, capable of acting and seeing the subsequent consequences. Over time we learn what is right, what is expected and social norms. Shame is a defense to a fault that threatens us with no longer belonging.

Although it is a social adaptation mechanism to identify, adopt or fix acceptable social behaviors and expectations, it can be a negative and paralyzing emotion.

Faced with the fear of "not being worthy," shame tells us it is because "we are bad," while guilt tells us it is because "wedid something wrong." This subtle difference is crucial.

Guilt vs. shame


Guilt is another emotion derived from our self-consciousness, differentiating it from shame can give us alternatives to better manage and react to failure.

This difference between "being" and "doing" something bad offers us two different mental scenarios: one more purposeful than the other and with more room for improvement. Not to get too psychoanalytical, Brené Brown, a writer and researcher on the subject, sums it up excellently:

"The guilt tells us, 'I've done something wrong or failed to achieve something that is aligned with my values. That feels terrible. I must make amends, make a change and hold myself accountable.I need to make a change and hold myself accountable. I need to fix it.'"

To say that guilt is better than shame is risky. They are still negative emotions that, if hidden or mismanaged, can lead to other psychological consequences. However, we can say that shame is less constructive, and when replaced by guilt, it takes us away from the burden of being the problem and brings us closer to the desire to focus on solutions and actions to counteract that feeling.

Now, the question is how to replace shame with guilt?

Internal dialogues and forgiveness


Inner dialogues of extreme compassion for ourselves play a crucial role in the ability to develop resilience in the face of crisis and failure. If a dear friend or family member made the same mistake you did, how would you try to comfort them? 

It is necessary to focus on real facts: we are human, we make mistakes, we are not perfect . This allows us to expand our vocabulary with words related to acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiving and accepting the mistakes of a "past version" of ourselves places us in a channel of constant transformation.

Social psychologist Marilyn A. Cronish proposes a therapeutic "Four Rs" method for finding self-forgiveness:

  • Responsibility: Face what happened and accept responsibility for our actions.
  • Remorse: Feeling ashamed or guilty is normal and part of the process of moving on, motivating ourselves to go out and become a better version of ourselves. We must accept these emotions without holding on to them.
  • Restoration: Asking for forgiveness, seeking and asking for ways to make amends in order to take action and put ourselves in a more purposeful place.‍
  • Renewal: Reflect to take advantage of these processes and turn an uncomfortable or painful situation into something positive. Why did what happened happen? What could you have done better? What led you to do what you did?

Reaction and management


As individuals we can reconfigure our relationship with failure and seek to address fear, shame and guilt, however, as part of a society, the actions we take can change the root of the problem, that is: how we react to and manage failure.

When we fail to meet certain expectations, we inevitably have the feeling of not having lived up to a personal, work, academic or social situation. We feel like a failure. And that feeling is nothing more than the way we have been taught to judge and be judged.

In the spaces where we relate to each other, there are often accusations, value judgments and disproportionate consequences for failure, which condemn us to stop trying, not to take opportunities and to hide certain aspects of ourselves in order not to be exposed.

In the workplace, having a failure management plan is important for any organization. And that's why at Fuckup Nights we developed a learning plan for organizational cultures called The Failure Programwhere we propose:

  • Have accountability and feedback plans
  • Encouraging spaces for psychological safety
  • Focusing on processes rather than results
  • Instilling freedom and involvement in problem solving

In family and academic settings, putting failure on the table and questioning expectations also opens up valuable spaces to redefine these concepts.

In 10 years we have learned that. It's not about avoidance and braking, it's about coping, managing and not forgetting that we are people. You have failed and eventually you will. How would you like to approach it?

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I failed, now what?: Managing post-failure emotions
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