I failed, now what?: Managing post-failure emotions

‍

If there’s one thing we’ve learned in our 10 years of listening to stories at Fuckup Nights, it’s that failure is uncomfortable and universal. And that, to a greater or lesser extent, it’s scary.

‍

However, the notion of “fear of failure” has become a catch-all term used to describe more abstract situations. In this case, when we say “fear of failure,” we are referring to many things; we fear its consequences: being fired, losing money, damaging our reputation, failing to meet the expectations of others and ourselves, or betraying our values.

‍

The fear of failure is the fear of that lump in your throat, of holding back tears, of blushing, or of being at a loss for words when sharing bad news. Who wouldn’t want making mistakes to be a quick and quiet affair so we can get on with our lives? It is a natural fear linked to guilt and shame. 

‍

There is little we can control. But, interestingly, that “little” makes a big difference when it comes to the experience of failure. We can manage how we respond to a mistake and how we deal with the guilt and shame that follow failure. And why not? We can be ambitious and even try to influence collective reactions to failure. But how? 

‍

Fear and shame

That unpleasant feeling we get when we fail is a mix of visceral emotions—fear, guilt, and shame. And even though they feel similar, they are very different things.

‍

Fear is a powerful emotion; it prepares us for danger that threatens our physical or mental well-being. It prepares us to flee (or not) from real or imagined situations (as imagined as those catastrophic mental scenarios that arise when we fail).

‍

This fear serves as the raw material for guilt and shame—two concepts we often confuse and misuse.

‍

When we talk about shame, we are referring to a social emotion that arises from situations we might consider socially immoral or reprehensible. Around the age of two, we begin to perceive ourselves as beings independent of our parents, capable of acting and seeing the subsequent consequences. Over time, we learn what is right, what ought to be, and social norms. Shame is a defense against a transgression that threatens to make us feel like we no longer belong.

‍

Although it is a social adaptation mechanism for identifying, adopting, or establishing acceptable social behaviors and expectations, it can be a negative and paralyzing emotion.

‍

When we fear that we “are not worthy,” shame tells us it is because“we are bad,” while guilt tells us it is because“we did something wrong.” This subtle difference is crucial.

‍

Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt is another emotion that stems from our self-awareness; distinguishing it from shame can give us ways to better manage and respond to failure.

‍

This distinction between “being” and “doing” something wrong presents us with two different mental frameworks: one is more proactive than the other and offers more room for improvement. Without getting too psychoanalytical, Brené Brown, a writer and researcher on the subject, sums it up perfectly:

‍

“The guilt tells us: ‘I’ve done something wrong or failed to achieve something that aligns with my values. That feels terrible. I must make amends, make a change, and take responsibility. I need to fix it.’” 

‍

To say that guilt is better than shame is a risky claim. Both remain negative emotions that, if suppressed or mismanaged, can lead to other psychological consequences. However, we can say that shame is less constructive, and when replaced by guilt, it relieves us of the burden of feeling like we are the problem and shifts our focus toward solutions and actions to counteract that feeling.

‍

Now, the question is : How can we replace shame with guilt?

‍

Internal Dialogues and Forgiveness

Internal dialogues filled with deep compassion for ourselves play a crucial role in our ability to build resilience in the face of crises and failures. If a close friend or family member made the same mistake you did, how would you try to comfort them? 

‍

We need to focus on the facts: we are human, we make mistakes, and we are not perfect. This allows us to expand our vocabulary with words related to acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiving and accepting the mistakes ofa “past version”of ourselves sets us on a path of constant transformation.

‍

Social psychologist Marilyn A. Cronish proposes a therapeutic method known as the “Four Rs”for achieving self-forgiveness:

‍

• Responsibility: Facing up to what happened and taking responsibility for our actions.
• Regret: Feeling ashamed or guilty is normal and part of the process of moving forward, motivating ourselves to get out there, and becoming better versions of ourselves. We should accept these emotions without getting too caught up in them.
• Restoration: Asking for forgiveness, seeking out and asking about ways to make amends, taking action, and putting ourselves in a more proactive position.‍
• Renewal: Reflect on these experiences to turn an uncomfortable or painful situation into something positive. Why did what happened happen? What could you have done better? What led you to do what you did?

‍

Response and management

As individuals, we can redefine our relationship with failure and work to address fear, shame, and guilt; however, as part of a society, the actions we take can address the root of the problem—that is, how we react to and deal with failure.

‍

When we fail to meet certain expectations, we inevitably feel as though we haven’t lived up to the standards of a personal, professional, academic, or social situation. We feel like failures. And that feeling is nothing more than the way we’ve been taught to judge and be judged.

‍

In the spaces where we interact, there are often criticisms, value judgments, and excessive consequences for failure; this causes us to stop trying, pass up opportunities, and hide certain aspects of ourselves so as not to be exposed.

‍

In the workplace, having a failure management plan is important for any organization. That’s why at Fuckup Nights a learning plan for organizational cultures called The Failure Program, in which we propose:

‍

• Have accountability and feedback plans in place
• Promote environments that foster psychological safety
• Focus on processes rather than results
• Fostering independence and engagement in problem-solving

‍

In family and academic settings, bringing up the topic of failure and questioning expectations also creates valuable opportunities to redefine these concepts.

‍

We've learned that over the past 10 years. It's not about avoiding or holding back; it's about facing things head-on, managing them, and not forgetting that we're human. You've failed before, and you will fail again. How would you like to handle it?