Back to Course 7: Shame, Guilt, and Failure
SHAME AND GUILT
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Shame is a secondary emotion, as it depends on other innate emotions such as fear and disgust and is learned within a social context. Shame does not emerge until around the age of two, when we begin to perceive ourselves as unique individuals, independent of our parents, capable of acting and seeing the subsequent consequences (1).
Over time, we learn what is right, what is expected of us, and what social norms are. Shame is a defense mechanism triggered by a transgression that threatens to make us feel like we no longer belong. Although it is a mechanism for social adaptation that helps us identify, adopt, or internalize acceptable social behaviors and expectations, shame can be a negative and paralyzing emotion.
Brené Brown identifies 12 categories in her book *The Power of Vulnerability*. In each of these, women struggle more with feelings of shame:
- Appearance and body image
- Maternity
- Family
- Aging
- Money and Work
- Mental and physical health
- Sexuality
- Aging
- Religion
- Stereotypes and labels
- Speak up
- Trauma
Gender roles influence women to be more prone to feelings of guilt or shame, and these feelings may develop over time as a habitual response to certain stimuli (Benetti-McQuid & Bursik, 2005). The experience of shame may reflect a perceived violation of the stereotypical norms associated with gender roles.
Forgiving Yourself to Move Forward
At the end of the day, guilt and shame are linked to forgiveness and compassion. And we thought it would be helpful to share with you a therapeutic method developed by social psychologist Marilyn A. Cronish that proposes the “Four Rs”:
Accountability: Facing up to what happened is the first step. Taking responsibility for our actions may be the hardest step, but it is the most important one for resolving a situation that may have harmed others and ourselves.
Remorse: As part of taking responsibility, feeling ashamed or guilty is normal. Although we’re talking about negative emotions, they can serve as a motivator to move past certain situations and become better versions of ourselves. This is where it’s important to distinguish between“doing something wrong”and“being a bad person.” It’s crucial not to get bogged down in these feelings of shame.
Redress: Correcting a mistake relieves us of the burden of wondering if we could have done more. Asking for forgiveness or seeking out and asking about ways to make amends is another step toward forgiving ourselves. Taking action can put us in a more proactive position.
Renewal: Growing as a person is one of the greatest opportunities that failure offers. Turning these experiences into something positive means taking control of an uncomfortable or painful situation. Why did what happened happen? What could you have done better? What led you to do what you did? Renewal is about seeking to evolve.
In summary:
- Shame is a secondary emotion; it is composed of other emotions, such as fear, and is shaped by our society’s expectations and norms.
- Guilt acknowledges that we did something wrong, while shame tells us that we are bad people. Guilt gives us more opportunities to make amends.
- Our mistakes don't define us as people, and the steps we take to make amends say more about who we are. Extreme self-compassion is key.
- Self-forgiveness can be achieved through the Four Rs: Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration, and Renewal.
Back to Course 7: Shame, Guilt, and Failure
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