It is common to hear that around that age you should have reached a sentimental and economic stability. In addition, if you are a woman, the maternal instinct will come to you and you will live the best experience of your life. But be careful, you have to do it before the age of 35, because after that time, you begin to lose your ability to conceive.

When I reached 30, I had no such instinct, no partner, no money, and that led me to feel a great sense of unease and uneasiness. I had just moved to a new city, a new job and a new sector, and I was recovering from another failed relationship.

My parents, grandparents and circle of friends looked at me as the black sheep, the hater of the system. I wondered in anguish what I was doing wrong not to be like them, not to live up to expectations. I felt like a failure.

I started asking women around me, mothers and non-mothers. I wanted to know if I was really the odd one out or if there was something they were not telling us. For this blog post, I wanted to rescue some testimonies to talk about motherhood from honesty, knowledge and critical thinking.

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What they don't tell you...

I found that to some extent all the interviewees agreed that motherhood is more difficult than we are told, that there is a great deal of misinformation about what it involves both in terms of care and the time and money it requires. Despite being a momentous decision that changes our lives forever, we tend to take it blindly. We prepare ourselves for years for the working world, we do masters, postgraduate studies and internships, but we have children without knowing what it will mean for us.

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In Danae's words: "They don't tell you half of what you need to know. It changes your couple dynamics, your friendships drift away, change, or some get stronger. Professional life as a woman, unfortunately, also has greater challenges."

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Women still bear the majority of childcare responsibilities, 92% of women in the European Union, according to a study. Returning to work after maternity is a great challenge. Not only does the number of hours we work multiply, but we also feel the need to prove that we are just as valid as before.

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Superwoman

Carmen confesses that "At the beginning of my motherhood I was overworked and at the same time I felt like the worst mother. I thought I couldn't fail at work, so that they would see how efficient I was even though I was already a mother, just like I used to work before. I even think I gave more than I did before."

It is the so-called Superwoman Syndrome, catalogued as the new evil of women in the 21st century and originated with the incorporation of women into the labor market.

According to Carmen's testimony: "I realized how I was forgetting about myself, dedicating myself to work and my daughter. Being a single mother, I felt a lot of pressure to do everything right both at work and in my motherhood. I didn't realize that I was forgetting about myself and what I really wanted. I kept getting wrapped up in expectations that I put on myself."‍

This disorder affects women who, as mothers, do not want their lives to change because they are mothers. They feel responsible for everything, they want to continue fulfilling their tasks at work, at home, with their social circles and now with their children, completely forgetting about their well-being. The result is manifested with physical and emotional symptoms that considerably raise the level of daily stress.

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Perceptions and the system

It is common for women to be subjected to judgment by society, whatever our decision. Those who want to continue with their careers right after having children or those who spend "little time" with them are labeled as bad mothers. On the other hand, those who prefer not to have children and lead a different life are labeled as selfish.

This feeling of guilt or social pressure falls only on us. To give an example, few countries grant the same maternity leave period to men and women, which highlights the inequality in terms of who takes care of the children. The so-called conciliation is not such, if everything remains the same as before.

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Lucila tells us that: "Yes there are difficulties in getting work for a mother, especially in jobs that require full time or working overtime. Fathers don't have this difficulty if they have the mother taking care of the children. Then the mom does many things at the same time."

Carmen: "I think that as women we have or feel that we have more responsibility with our children. If I put on a scale what I do as a mother, there are more activities and I am more attentive to my daughter than her father."

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Many years have passed since the incorporation of women into the working world in the Industrial Revolution, and working conditions remain the same. There is still a wage gap, which is largely caused by motherhood, due to reduced working hours or the slowdown in our careers.

We continue to be a minority in positions of greater responsibility because they require a greater investment of time and once again, it is assumed that we do not have it because we have to take care of the house or the children. In some way, inequality is still as present as it has been since the beginning.

I realize that there is an economic interest (it could not be otherwise) for women to continue having children and maintain a system that is based on labor. Since we were little girls, we have been indoctrinated with the idea of being mothers, in the movies we watched or the toys we had fun with. The system needs women to continue believing in motherhood as something indispensable in a woman's life, that romantic idea that being a mother is the best thing that can happen in life.

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Real changes

It is true that the new generations are questioning these and other situations so that we at least ask ourselves if it is something we really want in our lives.

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In Danae's words, "Most women today, are giving themselves the space and time to be and exercise what they want, not what society says they should be and the age at which they have to be."

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We need to bring about real changes in our society so that motherhood becomes an equally valid option as non-motherhood. Women who decide not to have children and take other paths should not feel judged. That those who decide to become mothers do not feel excluded in their jobs or suffer the consequences of having a double working day. That being a mother is not incompatible with having a successful professional career.

Questioning motherhood is a taboo subject, however, when we open the space, the stories begin to flow. It is relevant to talk about it to realize that it is more common than we think to feel overwhelmed, judged or discredited by the fact of being or not being a mother. We need to recognize that something that causes so many inequalities and alters our rhythms so much cannot be so idyllic.

By sharing these stories we can become even more aware of this great failure of the system and demand a real change, or at least, make decisions based on rationality and looking for what is truly best for us.

I felt a great liberation when I realized that all these ideas and expectations came from the outside and that if I didn't want to, I didn't have to be a mother. I had to put up with many "you will change your mind" or "when you are older and see yourself alone, you will regret it", however, I feel calm because I know that the definition of success or failure is not the same for everyone and breaking with those paradigms has made me a little freer and much happier person.

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Big thanks to Carmen, Danae and Lucila for sharing their valuable experience as mothers.

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