Fuckup Inc's People & Culture leader shares ways to deal with and manage conflict.
You might think that at Eventos Privados De Fracaso, as a company dedicated to talking about failure, having difficult conversations and helping people to free themselves from the paradigms that limit their lives, it would be easy for us to face internal conflicts. And that, as a human resources area (People as we call it), we would be fully prepared to deal with it. However, sometimes it is easier to say things than to do them.
The FUN Friday is a meeting that we have every Friday to share as a team topics of interest, conversations on random topics and collective reflections. This way we have a space to get to know each other better and integrate, especially with the remote team at Mallorca, Spain. As the team has grown, the format has changed.
Gradually, that space that we had to share and spend some time together had become too serious. This caused a conflict.
As head of People, I have been working on strengthening the culture and having better processes so that we can continue to flow as a team and grow. That is why I have the leadership of these sessions and the solution to this conflict was a task that corresponded to me.
I facilitated a space with the people who had shown interest in improving those meetings. We agreed on some topics and decided to form a committee of sorts. However, when presenting this plan to the rest of the team, there were some comments and concerns about the topics that would be discussed and how to use that time more efficiently.
This situation generated even more friction and after several sessions to talk, we reached an understanding. However, I realized that I really felt very uncomfortable, I thought I had to fix all the discomfort that was generated.
In my head I was thinking "We can't be angry, we are that cool movement that talks about culture and resilience", which led me at times to feel desperate, but also responsible for how everyone felt.
In doing a post-mortem of the situation, I reflected on the importance of accepting that sometimes there are disagreements, and that perhaps some will generate conflict. A completely normal situation when human beings with different ideas and priorities are involved. When a large team is 100% in agreement with something, possibly there is hidden disagreement from some of the parties and they are repressing their opinions, which sooner or later will generate more problems.
Honestly, I can say that this professional conflict affected me personally by making me believe that everything was my responsibility and that the solution was completely up to me. These are some of the lessons I learned:
1. Recognize and remove labels from my emotions: We tend to pigeonhole almost everything into good and bad. Feeling sad or angry is seen as something negative that should be avoided. We tend to tell ourselves that we shouldn't feel them because we are "not like that". This ultimately hurts and doesn't allow you to handle those emotions in the right way.
It is important to accept emotions for what they are: a moment in our lives that will eventually pass, and let them flow. That way we save ourselves the anxiety and frustration of having to acknowledge that we are experiencing these types of "negative" emotions.
2. Do not take on responsibilities: When we are responsible or leaders of a team or project, we take on responsibilities that are not entirely ours. Sometimes when there are conflicts, it is better to give people space to talk about it. Wanting to solve it ourselves and thinking that you are responsible for the stability of everyone in your team, is a thought that will detract energy to see the big picture.
Sometimes people just want to express what they feel and be heard, without you magically offering them a solution. So calm down, it is valid for people to look for solutions and propose them.
3. Remove the fear of conflict: We have grown up in a culture where confronting the other person is frowned upon or you are labeled as the hysterical one who is bothered by everything, and it is not true. The reality is that if something bothers or makes you uncomfortable, it is better to express it directly, as much as possible, and open a conversation. Being so "polite" leads you to repress emotions that then tend to come out in a more aggressive way because of the time they are stored.
Conflict is part of life and of living together. Denying it or pretending not to see it often generates more problems than solutions or dishonest relationships with each other.
I am still working on this, I have realized that the emotion of anger generates noise in me because for a long time I thought that I could not get angry. It has been key for me and my personal growth to accept my emotions, to feel them and from there to find a solution.
What does it mean to you to hear the word conflict?
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Let's transform our perception of failure and use it as a catalyst for growth.
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