Giving and receiving feedback, often seen as a chore that people dread
Although the vast majority of companies these days include “feedback” in their vocabulary, it seems that most of the time, giving feedback is just something a higher-up tells you you have to do—one more box to check off the list. Even worse, giving and receiving feedback is often seen as a chore that people swear they love doing but secretly dread.
Fuckup Nights We held our first company- team-wide feedback session a few years ago, and back then we made a conscious decision to tweak some of the practices recommended by so-called “experts” on the internet. Our mission? To take ownership of the session, make it personal and valuable, and incorporate our “ FUN ” in true Fuckup style. We write “ FUN ” in all caps because it’s also the acronym for “ Fuckup Nights .” But of course, many things can go wrong when giving feedback to a colleague.
Based on this experience, we’re excited to share some of the things that can make giving feedback at work a total disaster
- The incorrect feedback setup
One of the most common mistakes when giving feedback is rushing through it to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that may arise—and for good reason. Feedback sessions are inherently difficult conversations. It’s crucial to avoid setting a date and time that may might not be convenient for anyone involved, especially when the team has a pressing deadline.
How we solved it:
We chose a date that worked best for everyone and set aside enough time for the feedback session. During the team session, each team member was responsible for providing feedback to another member of the group, typically someone outside their immediate area. For example, someone from the communications team would provide feedback to someone on the operations team.
The logic behind this setup was that a member of the “ team ” from a different area might be able to identify opportunities that someone from the same “ team ” might not be able to see because they’re too caught up in the day-to-day details.
We approached it almost like a “Secret Santa” activity—no one knew who would be giving them feedback, and after each person received feedback, it was their turn to give it to someone else. This gave everyone on the team the opportunity to both give and receive feedback.
- The feedback sandwich
This technique is used to sugarcoat the truth or soften the impact of much-needed constructive feedback. While employee mental health is fundamental to organizational culture, it’s important to be as clear as possible when giving feedback. Sandwiching may like this:“Your enthusiasm is contagious; some colleagues find your visits to their desks and witty banter distracting, but other than that, you lift everyone’s spirits.” Some colleagues might realize that they are distracting others, but most employees might just take it as“OK, some people don’t like it, but it’s no big deal.”
How we solved it:
Think of this as a side dish rather than a sandwich. We used a formula that combined both positive and constructive feedback. First, the giver was asked to share one thing the receiver is good at or something about them that is inspiring or amazing. Then, the giver shared one area where the receiver could improve—to offer valuable and actionable advice.
The point of this exercise wasn’t just to highlight areas for improvement, but to provide a resource that could help the recipient make positive changes. This could take the form of a book recommendation, a potentially helpful habit, or some other practice that could lead to improvement. Our reasoning behind this requirement was that if you’re only describing a problem, you’re not being helpful.
- Therapy session
This usually happens when the manager or colleague knows personal information about the person they’re giving feedback to. People might say something like, “I see you didn’t make as many sales calls as last month. Is it because you’re going through a divorce?”
That can come across as intrusive and rude.It’s better to phrase the question differently, for example:“The number of sales calls is lower than last month. Why do you think that happened? Is there something we can work on together to improve those numbers?”
How we solved it:
We believe that work should be both FUN , and personal. No topic is off-limits; we talk about our personal lives, fears, dreams, roles, crazy ideas, and beliefs. It’s about opening up and trusting the people we work with. Getting to know people on a more personal level through vulnerability can give team members a better understanding of their colleagues—including their moods, likes and dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses—to create unspoken habits and rules that foster mutual understanding and better communication.
That said, we don’t use that information against one another or make assumptions about why people may struggling to meet deadlines or goals; instead, we approach this with curiosity and empathy.
- Letting emotions take the wheel
While understanding a colleague’s personal circumstances can help you empathize with them, it can be difficult to strike the right balance in your wording when giving feedback. Some people may feel very close to their colleague or employee and might say things like , “You acted immaturely with the client; we were rooting for you and we’re disappointed.” Obviously, that’s not a professional way to communicate the areas for improvement you identified in a given situation .Something like: “I know you were upset about the way the client spoke and behaved during the meeting. I understand and appreciate that you really care about this, yet we need to communicate professionally with the client about these matters.”
How we solved it:
We believe in creating casual spaces that challenge our preconceived notions about work and personal relationships. The paradigm that limits the full potential of making work FUN , and personal still exists, hindering and misdirecting our efforts to create genuinely safe and human spaces. Seize this opportunity if you’re willing to step up and improve your space. These opportunities can foster our personal growth by helping us discover our talents and passions, enhance our environments, and help us make work meaningful for our entire team.
Organizational cultures need to be dynamic and employee-driven, rather than a set of rigid beliefs dictated by executives. Contributing to a culture—rather than simply conforming to it—encourages employees to take on an advocacy role in which they offer constructive criticism, thereby fostering resilience and innovation.
Our insights on feedback, innovation, and psychological safety in the workplace
If you had the choice—at any age—would you rather work in a warm and friendly environment or in one where you have to pretend to be someone you’re not?
This human behavior is something that even NASA scientists are interested in. While exploring and researching future isolation missions in space, they realized that close-knit, experienced teams under stress made fewer errors than new teams that were emotionally detached. They recognize the importance of social interactions and even the role of a “clown” in the team. We’re certainly not rocket scientists (yet), but we understand the importance of friendly relationships at work.
According to The Failure Institute, resilient teams have strong bonds with one another and often socialize with colleagues outside of work. This also brings an element of “play” into the workplace, which fosters creativity and positive emotions among employees, leading to a sense of psychological safety at work.
When there is a sense of closeness within a team, people are more likely to speak up, ask difficult questions, share bad news, and report early warnings: all of these are key practices for addressing and preventing mistakes (failure management), but they also foster shared accountability. A sense of connectedness also enhances productivity, candor, transparency, and even risk-taking within a team.
At Fuckup Inc, four of our core values are essential when giving feedback: “be 1% better every day,” “have the difficult conversations,” and always, always “act from a place of love.” Linking these core values to the feedback process helped shape both the communication style and how the feedback was delivered.
No one was upset by the feedback they received—no one felt singled out or put on the spot. Instead, there was a shared sense of empathy and respect, along with a mutual understanding that the person giving feedback was focused on uplifting and supporting their teammates while also looking for ways to improve in the process.
At Fuckup Inc, we created a series of workshops that are part of The Failure Program. They go beyond tactical improvements and effective communication skills. The most valuable takeaway you’ll find in them is just how much you can learn about your team, and how each team member complements one another when the focus is on personal growth, not competition.
Bring these workshops to your organization and start holding constructive feedback sessions that boost productivity and employee engagement. Just fill out this form now!
References:
Forbes
eFront
YourThoughtPartner
Status
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