As social beings, we slowly descend into a spiral of normativity in order to be accepted. What is recognition after all?
That day, he finished his workday earlier than usual and decided to walk home. She had finally managed to finish her law degree with good grades and was doing her internship in the legal department of a multinational company. She was very proud of herself and liked it when someone asked her what she did for a living. Her family was also very proud of her and let her know it with compliments and awards. She had already been promised a permanent contract when she finished her internship and everything seemed to be going smoothly.
However, that afternoon was terribly empty. She walked the streets aimlessly, watching people pass by. Why am I unhappy if I've already achieved everything I want, she asked herself. He began to go over in his head the things he "really" liked, and realized that none of it was related to what he was doing in that company.
From the time we are very young, finding external validation for everything we do makes us feel secure and also contributes to the development of our self-esteem.
So, in the first stage, we look to our parents every time we learn a new trick, paint a picture or discover something that fascinates us. It can be exhausting for a parent to be looking at their children every time they discover something new (especially because everything is new and fascinating to them). However, this stage is fundamental for the development of a healthy, confident adult with strong self-esteem.
After this stage of childhood, our social circle expands. We no longer care so much about what our parents say, but it will be the group of friends that will have all our attention. In this phase, we will do whatever it takes to be accepted and get that validation from our friends and acquaintances.
We are social beings and being accepted, respected or feeling part of a group is one of our basic needs. Thus, we gradually enter the vicious circle of what it means to fit in with the norm. Being among the best students, being accepted in a good university, getting a job in a prestigious company, getting married, starting a family, buying a house? And so on ad infinitum.
Society imposes numerous rules on us that we have to comply with in order to fit the standards and be accepted. Have you ever felt like a failure because you are not achieving what is expected of you? Like the girl in the example, she had already achieved everything that was expected of her, but still, she felt an unexplainable emptiness. This is because we live pending to reach a goal, to achieve results that are expected of us and make us believe that, once achieved, we will reach full happiness.
However, what happens when we discover that these goals have been imposed on us? What may happen is that we realize it early on and decide to lead a unique life far from any normative standard, regardless of whether we are accepted or not. However, there will be others who experience a period of dissatisfaction, frustration or crisis when they realize that they are leading a life with which they are not aligned.
From my point of view, the first step would be to find out what my motivation really is. Asking ourselves where the decisions we make come from will help us to know whether or not I am aligned with my inner values or desires. It sounds easy, but sometimes limited decision-making power comes disguised as freedom. We think that because we have choices, we are free and freedom is not that.
Basically, our actions come from two types of motivations: intrinsic and extrinsic (link to the blogspot that talks about this). Intrinsic motivation is the one we do for our own pleasure, personal satisfaction, vocation or pleasure.
Obtaining recognition falls into the category of extrinsic motivations. This recognition can take different forms. From receiving a nice comment on our work or a simple like on social networks, to getting a promotion at work or a prize in a contest. What can all these different forms of recognition have in common? The feeling of satisfaction that comes from having someone external value our actions.
It's nice to be recognized by others for a job well done and it's wonderful to win a prize in a contest, but what if we didn't have that "prize"? Would we still be just as satisfied with a job well done or would we be frustrated?
The honest answer to this question will reveal the extent to which external recognition is or is not important to us. When we seek validation for everything we do to the point that the opinion of others could sour our day, we may be hiding a lack of self-esteem or self-confidence. This insecurity is sometimes accompanied by a fear of failure.
Sometimes, when we seek that recognition from the outside, it is because we ourselves do not value our work. We need that approval to make sure we are doing it right. Despite having spent hours and hours on that project, our internal opinion doesn't seem to be enough. Sound familiar?
Well, if you feel that this situation is all too familiar, here are some tips to start valuing yourself:
This is not to say that recognizing or valuing our colleagues or teams is not important. In fact, we know that feeling valued within the company is considered almost more important than salary, as confirmed by several surveys [...]. Learning to also value the efforts of colleagues will help to create happier and safer work environments. One of the practices we have at Fuckup Inc is called "Give a Fuck", a slack channel dedicated expressly to recognize our colleagues when they have done something noteworthy.
The truth is that recognizing a good job is a very nice activity that helps others to realize their own value.
At the end of the day, the most valuable recognition will always be the one that comes from oneself, and this will always depend on our own personal definitions of success, failure and happiness.
Want to learn how to recognize your colleagues and employees beyond results that may not be achieved? As part of The Failure Program, we have a variety of online courses, workshops and private events, plus a survey that will diagnose how they are managing failure in your company. Leave us your details and let's start collaborating to make failure work for you.
Edited by
Ricardo Guerrero
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Let's transform our perception of failure and use it as a catalyst for growth.
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