It's time to find better ways to refer to these types of talks and remember why "difficult conversations" still matter.
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Reframing the importance of tackling these kinds of talks
You've probably heard the dreaded phrase "We need to talk". When that certain person approaches us and says those words, we feel our stomach flip, we imagine catastrophic scenarios, and we start to have anxiety about the difficult conversation ahead.
We react in many different ways and with varying intensities. Sometimes we are defensive, make a joke or two, and avoid or postpone the unwanted conversation. Other times, we take the offensive, anticipate what they say, raise our voices, and prepare our arguments to win and dominate the conversation.
In the professional arena, it’s no different. When our boss tells us they want to see us in their office, when a feedback session is announced, or when the HR team sends for us, we feel the same sense of anxiety.
Just as failure is inevitable, these conversations can also be necessary, and even quite useful to force us to grow as people and as professionals.
Today we will delve into what’s involved in having difficult conversations and how they can help us grow.
Generally, in conversations that are considered "difficult," three things will happen:
These conversations may arise at work from interpersonal situations, such as a complaint about someone's attitude, or a sensitive situation such as harassment or discrimination. They can also arise from normal day-to-day situations, such as a feedback session, a clash in work methods or a decision-making process.
Generally, these talks are unexpected and often take us by surprise. They generate fear and are called “difficult” because they involve uncomfortable emotions. We consider them risky because of the possibility of being misunderstood and the conflict escalating.
However, it’s important to ask ourselves one more question: Are they really difficult?
Possibly yes. However, assessing their difficulty assumes that we know the nature of these conversations. We usually see them as an obstacle, and our disposition is biased before we go into the conversation.
In many sources, we often see these conversations referred to as difficult. However, it’s important to rethink the concept and instead call them “crucial conversations.” While the difficulty of these conversations is quite subjective, they are still important and decisive for resolving conflicts or uncomfortable situations. They’re a part of the process, necessary to move forward.
If resolving a conflict isn’t enough of a benefit of having these types of conversations, it is worth asking ourselves: Why is it important to have these conversations if they are so uncomfortable?
Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book "Crucial Conversations" states that:
"You can measure the health of a relationship, a team, even an entire organization by measuring the average time it takes to identify and bring a problem to the table."
Until a conflict is addressed, there will be silent expressions of nonconformity such as violent words, aggressive tones of voice, and nonverbal language – the perfect ingredients for psychological danger and the emergence of other conflicts and misunderstandings.
Reframing these talks as "crucial" emphasizes their importance and can make us weigh the cost of remaining silent versus resolving the conflict. This awareness can start with a simple question: What crucial conversation are we avoiding?
As you can imagine, every crucial conversation requires an essential raw material: honesty. It's a widely used concept since we started communicating in childhood. However, we were never explicitly taught that it takes courage to be honest with others or ourselves.
Although honesty is a personal principle we learn from our family backgrounds and involves other variables like personal responsibility and reliability, in social (and professional) groups, honesty also depends on mutual trust with third parties and a psychologically safe environment to open up to others.
We often decide not to speak honestly to avoid hurting others, to protect our image, to prevent others from changing their perception of us, and to please people in positions of power—in short, to avoid complex emotions and consequences.
Psychological safety is essential for honesty to flow freely. This concept helps us not take feedback personally, be confident that our mistakes won't change how others perceive us, and challenge the status quo for improvement without negative consequences.
Creating these safe spaces will transform the work culture by enabling open and honest communication with each team member. Honesty in the workplace nurtures more capable leaders who maintain and permeate the organizational culture. It also makes employees happier because they can share their ideas without fear. In turn, they will receive feedback that allows them to improve their work. Honesty prioritizes ethical decision-making in any team.
Over the years, while organizing private Fuckup Nights events for companies, we've noticed the challenges of establishing open and honest environments for important discussions. This often leads to missed opportunities to address potential problems before they turn into major failures.
Our approach focuses on presenting valuable mistakes and lessons in engaging and inspiring ways. This enables teams to see important discussions as constructive conflicts that seek to rationalize and address, rather than suppress, the emotions involved, to prevent escalation into a confrontation or a divisive conflict. Learn more about our events and products for companies here.
Crucial conversations open up an honest, appropriate, and safe space to make suggestions and improvements. It naturally increases the team's self-perception as one that is safe enough to be transparent.
Having crucial conversations is an exercise in empathy; an exercise in managing emotions and the vulnerability to assimilate new points of view to improve our skillset.
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Let's transform our perception of failure and use it as a catalyst for growth.
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