We do not have absolute control over the things that happen to us, much less over other people or events. Know how to manage your expectations.
At some point in my life I began to have anxiety attacks when trying to speak English. At the time of participating in some meetings or gatherings in the office, I felt very uncomfortable, I started to sweat, to feel insecure and anxious.
No matter how much I knew what to say at the time, my brain would freeze, I was so nervous that I felt my voice tremble and many times not a single word would come out of my mouth.
My frustration began to grow, and trying to explain it without understanding it myself complicated things. Even though I had all the training and knowledge to have conversations in English, many people thought I just didn't know how to speak the language, or that it was shy behavior for no apparent reason. But for me it was a sudden reminder that speaking English was something I would always get wrong and fail to achieve perfection.
An anxiety attack is complicated to diagnose, so it is difficult for someone else to detect it, even yourself. This does nothing more than lock us into the idea that there is something inexplicable within us that does not let us achieve certain activities. It is a feeling that, out of shame, we do not try to explain it to others.
We all, at some point, have expectations of something, someone or ourselves. The problem is that we have no absolute control over what happens to us. Many times, much less can we control anything about other people or external situations.
Steve Maraboli, author and behavioral researcher, defines expectations as follows:
"Expectations feed frustration. It's a harmful attachment toward people, things, and outcomes that we wish we could control; but we can't."
It is a natural human desire to have total control of everything, because this avoids uncertainty, fear and frustration. That is why expectations are the order of the day, they are constant desires for control, difficult to avoid and manage.
However, of all expectations, the ones we have of ourselves are the worst. Making peace with our imperfections, mistakes and areas of opportunity is difficult as silly as it sounds. And it becomes even more complicated when they are expectations based on the capabilities you know you have, but somehow you don't end up getting it "right", you don't end up satisfying that model of "perfection" that you set up in your head and stayed to annoy you.
It took me more than 3 years in my life to understand what happened to me every time I tried to speak English, because yes, I am a great example of a victim of my own expectations, where frustration came first, then came the annoyance and finally the disappointment and helplessness of not succeeding. why?
I had to be able to do it "right". That "right" is subject to all those expectations you have internally about yourself that in the end you don't necessarily have to fulfill. I must confess that I still have some of those expectations inside me, although today I understand it much more. Fighting against your own beliefs and paradigms, which have developed over the years, is complicated, but not impossible.
So I decided to solve the problem once and for all, by researching and understanding more, and the reality is that this is not a unique situation. Many people sometimes live locked or blocked by their own internal and external expectations. A vicious cycle because when we talk about expectations, you will never be satisfied.
There is an interesting part of expectations, they can drive you or motivate you. motivate you [ENG] to achieve things when you are not really attached to them. Just as expectations can generate constant negative self-criticism when they are not met, there is also positive self-criticism.
When we are negatively self-critical, the following can happen:
When we criticize ourselves in a positive way, it is because we do the following:
Many times I myself went from the negative self-critical side to even more negative (if that is possible) and that did not make me get out of my vicious circle, until I understood that that was what I was doing and although I did not like to feel exposed, I decided to try to explain my problem to others and that helped me to listen to myself and understand how badly I was handling everything.
We can re-educate our self-demand, we can lower the constant pressure we feel if we focus on setting goals without comparing ourselves with others.
This is what Vicarious Experience is all about. A form of learning that, according to Albert Bandura, is to replace comparing with observing those people with abilities very similar or slightly superior to ours in order to learn and obtain more useful information about our own abilities. By the way, an infallible technique to combat the Impostor Syndrome.
I am tired of pursuing a perfection that every day I realize does not have to exist, we are the way we are and that's fine. Of course, there is always room for improvement and to a certain extent, seeking to be 1% better every day is good, as long as we don't become obsessed with certain expectations.
Part of seeking a type of perfectionism reflects a lack of compassion with ourselves and wisdom.
Within that compassion there must be flexibility for ourselves. We can always do better, there can always be a better version, but it doesn't mean that is the version we should give as long as we are satisfied with what we do.
We can seek satisfaction in giving our best, but not in being perfect.
Edited by: Ricardo Guerrero Camacho
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Let's transform our perception of failure and use it as a catalyst for growth.
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